Trump Orders National Covid Lockdown…But Not for Everyone

Monday, November 23, 2020
(AP Photo)

As a parting shot before leaving the White House, President Donald Trump announced the immediate imposition of a national lockdown in response to the skyrocketing number of Covid-19 cases, hospitalizations and deaths. However, the lockdown will only apply to certain Americans, based on their income group.

 

American household members with annual incomes of less than $50,000 will be placed on full lockdown. “They can go out to buy food and medicine,” said Trump, “if they can afford it.”

 

Americans with household incomes of between $50,000 and $300,000 will be subject to overnight curfews, but otherwise “they will be allowed to spend money wherever they want.”

 

Those people with incomes above $300,000 will have no restrictions. Trump explained, “They can get together in groups as big as they want, travel wherever and whenever they want, and do whatever they want. They won’t have to wear masks anywhere because, like me, they can afford the best, most expensive, medical care. These wealth leaders will be allowed to issue lockdown exemptions for poor people—I mean lower-income people—who serve them, clean up after them and do all the things they don’t want to do.”

 

Waving goodbye, Trump added, “Don’t say I didn’t do anything to get rid of that disease and to help the people who donated to my campaign.”

-David Wallechinsky

(satire)

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