(Satire?)

U.S. President Donald Trump informed his staff that ICE and Border Control need to kill more protestors. According to multiple aides who choose to remain anonymous, Trump said, “We need people to be afraid. Right now many Americans are surprised when protestors are killed, but they’ll get used to it.”

Trump pointed to the killing of alleged drug traffickers in the ocean. Previously, under both Republican and Democratic presidents, it was common practice to arrest drug traffickers and give them a hearing. If they were found guilty, they were imprisoned or deported. Trump just dropped bombs on them without identifying who they were or presenting evidence that they really were transporting drugs. “At first,” said Trump, “people were surprised, but now they’ve gotten used to it. If we kill six people in the ocean, it isn’t even a story anymore. We’ve killed at least 128 people, and Americans don’t care or even pay attention. It will be the same with killing protestors. It won’t be a story anymore.”

Trump did add one suggestion: “Try not to kill white people. That gets too much attention. Stick to protestors of other colors.”

-David Wallechinsky