President Donald Trump gleefully announced that, under his direction, U.S. military troops had swooped down on the Governor’s Mansion in Sacramento and kidnapped California Governor Gavin Newsom and his wife, Jennifer Siebel Newsom.

“My military has seized Gavin Newscum and his wife and flown them to prisons in New York,” Trump exclaimed. “We’re charging Newscum with fraud.” When a reporter asked for specifics about the fraud charges, Trump pointed to Attorney General Pam Bondi. Bondi, clearly taken by surprise, said, “We’re looking into it and will let you know the details as soon as we’ve created them.”

Trump added, “Newscum insulted me. He called me a “brain-dead moron.” It’s not right to call me names.”

AllGov reported Sidney Finster couldn’t control himself, and blurted out, “But you just called him ‘Newscum.’”

Trump became infuriated and said, “I can say whatever I want because I’m the president of the United States. Newscum is just a governor. Governors aren’t worth shit unless they do what I say.”

When asked what Mrs. Newsom had done, Trump replied, “She tries to reduce the power of white men.”

Then Trump said the person in charge of California from now on will be Stephen Miller, a native of California. Miller stepped forward and boasted, “Thanks to President Trump, I will finally be able to carry out my life’s dream: to rid my state of people who aren’t white.”

Trump said, “When I kidnapped Maduro in Venezuela, all that country had was oil. California is a much bigger prize. And I—we—will control it all.”

Trump said that he will take control of the entire economy of California, which is larger than that of Japan. “Everything from prunes to garlic to AI and tech will now be ours,” explained Trump. “Everything. And I’ll decide how the profits will be spent.” Panicked CEOs asked for clarification of what he meant, but Trump did not provide details.

“The best part,” bragged Trump, “is that no studio will be allowed to make a movie or TV show unless I’ve approved the plot. The Jews and women who control the big five Hollywood studios have already agreed to this.”

-David Wallechinsky