(satire)

 

At the draw for the soccer World Cup, U.S. President Donald Trump discovered that for the rest of the world, the word “football” refers to what Americans call soccer. Having just received a silly but large trophy from FIFA President Gianni Infantino, Trump said, “When you think about it, shouldn’t it really be called…this is football, there’s no question about it. We have to come up with another name for the NFL [National Football League]. It really doesn’t make sense when you think about it.”

 

Trump has long had a hostile relationship with the NFL Twice he tried, and failed, to purchase the Baltimore Colts. Twice he tried, and failed, to purchase the Dallas Cowboys. He did successfully purchase the New Jersey Generals of the United States Football League [USFL], which attempted to become a rival to the NFL Trump and the USFL sued the NFL and won. They were awarded $3.76. Trump tried to bully the NFL into letting him buy an expansion team, but he failed. However, this did not stop Trump from trying, and failing, to purchase the New England Patriots and the Buffalo Bills.

 

Now Trump has finally gotten his revenge. In a late night post, he announced that from now on the NFL will be known as the NTL: The National Trump League. The Super Bowl will be renamed the Trump Bowl, and professional players must be called Trumpball Players. Anyone, on any level, who refuses to comply with Trump’s orders will be arrested and charged with being a threat to national security. The Department of Homeland Security, in partnership with the FBI, will monitor all phone calls, messages and social media to track down such offenders. Conversations inside homes and businesses will also be monitored using new advanced surveillance technology. 

 

Trump has refused to attend the 2026 Super Bowl because it will be held in California, where “they’re anti-Trump.” He added, “It’s not normal that seven of the eight divisional finalists came from states that supposedly voted against me. Now that I’m in charge, only teams from red states will be allowed to advance in the playoffs.”

 

If you intend to read this article to friends or family, please do not do so out loud.

-David Wallechinsky