President Donald Trump, flushed with excitement about his attempt to rename the Gulf of Mexico the Gulf of America, and eager to erase the cultures of non-whites and other minorities, has issued a flurry of executive orders renaming places, businesses, scientific terms and even people.

According to Trump, from now on Yellowstone National Park in Wyoming will be known as Whitestone National Park.

The name of the state of New Mexico will be changed to New Germany in honor of Trump’s ethnic roots.  Indiana (Land of the Indians) will become Caucasiana.

Trump told his reporters that now that English is the official language of the United States, he is renaming cities with Spanish language names, “particularly those that voted against me.” He ordered that San Antonio be changed to Saint Anthony, San Diego to Saint James, San Jose to Saint Joseph, San Francisco to Saint Francis, El Paso to The Pass, Las Vegas to The Meadows and Los Angeles to The Angels. Trump added that any city that does not comply will lose all federal funding. News outlets and schools that do not make the switches will be charged with endangering national security.

Trump also demanded that only citizens of the United States be called “Americans.” “People in other countries like Brazil, Argentina and other places down there should not be allowed to use the term ‘America.’ So from now on, what used to be South America will be known as South Continent.”

Turning to the world of science, Trump ordered that the term Homo sapiens be changed to Hetero sapiens.

In history books and on websites, the airplane from which the atomic bomb was dropped on Hiroshima will no longer be identified as the Enola Gay, but rather the Enola Straight.

Stanley Black and Decker is best known for its home tools, but it is also a major federal contractor. Trump threatened to cancel all government contracts with the company unless they changed their name to White and Decker, which they did immediately.

Trump also ordered billionaire Mark Cuban, who supported Kamala Harris in the 2024 election, to change his name to Mark American. If he does not do so, he will be charged with terrorism.

David Wallechinsky

(Satire)

For more information:

Trump Bans Use of Arabic Numerals by David Wallechinsky

Deportee (Plane Wreck at Los Gatos)