According to aides who were present when Trump discussed the issue, but who choose to remain anonymous for fear of retribution, Trump said he was sick of Vance and wanted to fire him. “I wanted him to be my attack dog,” said Trump, “but he appears foolish on television. He dropped the college football trophy. He met with Pope Francis and the next day the pope died. Vance is toxic, and I don’t want him to come near me. He just doesn’t look as good on television as I thought he would.”   read more

Trump announced the immediate imposition of a national lockdown in response to the skyrocketing number of Covid-19 cases, hospitalizations and deaths. However, the lockdown will only apply to certain Americans, based on their income group. American household members with annual incomes of less than $50,000 will be placed on full lockdown. “They can go out to buy food and medicine,” said Trump, “if they can afford it.”   read more

Republican candidates David Perdue and Kelly Loeffler are focusing on labeling the Democrats as “socialists.” The Republicans pledged to eliminate the Military Health System and the Tricare health system that provide health care for active-duty soldiers and their families, as well as members of the reserves. “This is pure 100% socialism,” The same goes for Medicare, a waste of government funds. The Democrats want Medicare for All; we want Medicare for None.”   read more

Can the Republican governors and legislatures of battleground states, with the help of the Supreme Court, reverse what appear to be victories for Joe Biden? In Donald Trump’s words, “I think this will end up in the Supreme Court….And I think it’s very important that we have nine justices.” There are six battleground states in which both the state legislature and the governorship are controlled by Republicans.   read more

Donald Trump paid $750 a year in taxes so that he, as president, could receive top-of-the-line medical care for his Covid infection. The rest of us, including White House workers, are not so lucky. First Lady Melania Trump has promised these employees that their environment will be safe, but can one really trust this family to do what they say or even, if sincere, to know how to do it?   read more

The United States now has more Covid deaths per million than Italy. Remember when Americans sneered at the Italians and the Chinese because they were experiencing so many deaths? Now, in other countries, they shake their heads and wonder how the United States could have gotten it so wrong. Italy and China were caught by surprise, and deaths rose quickly. The U.S. has no such excuse.   read more

AllGov correspondent Sidney Finster asked President Trump what qualities he was looking for in the nominee. “Well,” replied Trump, “she has to be a woman, the younger the better. She has to be nice to look at, and she needs to be good on television, particularly on Fox News.” “What about her positions on issues?” Finster persisted. “That’s important too,” Trump assured Finster. “If she can help me win Florida or Pennsylvania or Georgia, that would help.”   read more

With all the talk of taking down statues and changing the names of buildings, isn’t it time that we talk about the presence of Andrew Jackson on the $20 bill? Jackson was actually a slave trader who made his fortune buying and selling African-Americans. What he did to Native Americans was even worse. He forced an estimated 46,000 Native Americans off their ancestral lands and turned over the land to white people. Thousands of Cherokee died on the Trail of Tears, walking to what is now Oklahoma.   read more

Release of a secretly recorded conversation between President Donald Trump and Joe Biden revealed the shocking news that Trump is actually a mole who has infiltrated the Republican Party and is working to get Biden elected president. "My big strategy is to hold rallies in battleground states, tell my supporters not to wear masks and instead to link arms. So many of them will end up dying before the election, it’ll be great.”   read more

In a series of tweets, Trump said, “I’m sorry I didn’t act sooner and I’m sorry that I’ve pushed to open up the country before the pandemic is under control. As you know, I’ve added my name to the stimulus checks that Americans have received. Now I’ve asked to add my name to the death certificates of all Americans who die of the coronavirus from now on.”   read more

All over the United States, hospitals were swamped with people wanting the new Anti-Stupid Leader Vaccine, which eliminates all images of Donald Trump, replacing them with photos of forests and streams, and replaces all his words with the sound of birds singing or babies giggling. Massive street parties were reported in Hungary and Belarus, while citizens of Great Britain and France anxiously waited to see if the vaccine worked against leaders who are merely ridiculous.   read more

Members of the Trumpianity religion are urging their co-religionists to end anti-coronavirus restrictions and expose themselves to the Covid-19 virus in order to martyr themselves with the goal of increasing their leader’s power. A protest organizer, Sharpie Bellicose, went a step further. “I’m glad to die to help Trumpianity. But before I die, I intend to infect at least three Democrats. That way my martyrdom will be really useful.”   read more

With a face as straight as Ken Starr’s, Trump asked Palestinians to adopt laws “protecting against financial and political corruption.” He did this while standing next to Benjamin Netanyahu, who, that same day, had been indicted on charges of bribery, fraud and breach of trust in three different cases of corruption.   read more

President Donald Trump announced that he will be creating a new religion, Trumpianity, which will be aligned with mainstream Evangelical Christianity, but will be overlaid with his own teachings. Trump tweeted that he is infallible and everything he says has to be believed. People who disagree with him will be considered heretics, and Christians who refuse to convert to Trumpianity will be treated as apostates. “I like the way they do it in Saudi Arabia,” Trump explained.   read more

After Sen. Bernie Sanders was hospitalized for a heart attack, some commentators questioned whether this disqualified him from being president of the United States. However, many political leaders have successfully continued their work after surviving heart attacks. Here are 5 notable examples, including two presidents of the United States and one vice-president of the United States.   read more

Sources close to President Donald Trump report that in updating his will, in case of his death while in office, he has given the White House and the presidency of the United States to his daughter, Ivanka. When Trump’s lawyers explained that the United States Constitution guarantees presidential elections, Trump came up with his definitive argument: “So what? Who’s going to stop me?” (satire)   read more

President Donald Trump announced via Twitter, after a prayer session with Vice-President Mike Pence and Trump’s spiritual advisor, Franklin Graham, that God told him to deport his wife, Melania. “We’ve been deporting legal citizens because they lied back when they arrived in the US,” wrote Trump. “Melania worked as a model before she received a work permit. Send her back.”   read more