Trump Announces Creation of New Religion: Trumpianity

Tuesday, December 03, 2019

President Donald Trump announced that he will be creating a new religion, Trumpianity, which will be aligned with mainstream Evangelical Christianity, but will be overlaid with his own teachings.

 

AllGov correspondents around the United States spoke with Trump supporters to get their reactions.

 

Mrs. Sariah Globule of Provo, Utah, said that she is enthusiastic about the new religion. “I was born and raised Mormon,” she explained, “but when the Church of Latter-Day Saints began allowing Coloreds to become priests, I felt uncomfortable. Now, with Trumpianity, I feel comfortable again.”

 

Eighty-four-year-old Harry Longabough of Sundance, Wyoming, said, “I hate people who aren’t like me, and I like to insult them, so I think Trumpianity is perfect for me.”

 

Trump tweeted that he is infallible and everything he says has to be believed, no matter what anyone else says. People who disagree with him will be considered heretics, and Christians who refuse to convert to Trumpianity will be treated as apostates. “I like the way they do it in Saudi Arabia,” Trump explained.

 

All PACs related to Trump’s presidential campaign will now be changed to non-profit religious groups, and contributions will be tax-deductible.

 

In a major development, the television network formally known as Fox News Channel, will be rebranded as a non-profit called Trumpianity News Channel. No hosts or guests will be accepted on the new network until Rev. Trump has personally approved them.

 

AllGov correspondent Sidney Finster was able to secure a brief one-on-one with the new religious leader while he was motoring between holes on one of his golf courses. When asked which part of the Bible is his favorite, President Trump replied, “I like them all. Pence told me some good stories—and lessons—and so has Trumpianity Senior Pastor Ralph Reed and, what’s her name—Paula Allen.

 

“But the best thing is that I will be putting all of my wisest tweets into a new book. I’m calling it The Red Book because the red states are the ones where I have the most followers.” Reminded that this was the title of the compilation of sayings by Chinese Communist leader Mao Zedong, Trump said, “Okay, we’ll call it The Green Book because it will remind people of money.” Finster reminded Trump that that was the title of the compiled sayings of Muammar Qaddafi. After a pause, Trump remarked, “He got killed, right? Okay, what about The Orange Book?” Done.

-David Wallechinsky

(satire)

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