How to be a Successful Pirate: Rich Galen

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

In light of last week’s media maelstrom over Somali pirates capturing a American sea captain, GOP operative Rich Galen decided it was time to review some key rules for the modern-day privateer to follow:

Rule #1: If you’re going to take hostages, take whomever you want—but leave the Americans alone. “You can take 16 Italians hostages (as pirates actually did on Saturday while the American hostage situation was being played out) and no one cares,” writes Galen.
Rule #2: If you forget Rule No. 1 and do nab some Americans—don’t take them off the ship! This way, they can be easily hidden amid the vast holds of large container ships. “For all of its excellent equipment, unless Superman happens to be cruising the western Indian Ocean and decides to help out, the U.S. Navy can’t see through the hull or superstructure to see who is being held where and by how many so they don’t know where to shoot or when.”
Rule #3: If you followed #2, you’ll also be in a better position to get a big payoff. “If you keep everyone on the ship then it is piracy and you are holding the ship for ransom. Deciding whether or not to pay to get a ship out of hock is a business matter,” says Galen. “But, if you take one or more people off the ship then it is kidnapping….Even a Somali pirate can see how that will play differently on CNN or Fox.”
Galen also calculates that “Your chances of being involved in an auto accident right here in the good old U. S. of A. is about three times the chances of a ship getting attacked by pirates in the Gulf of Aden.”
-Noel Brinkerhoff
Rules for Pirates (by Rich Galen, Mullings)


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