In a breakthrough announcement, Sen. Mitch McConnell (R-Kentucky) declared that Republicans will accept the District of Colombia as the 51st state on the condition that, at the same time, Congress and President Joe Biden give approval to a 52nd state: West Wyoming.

McConnell’s press secretary, Doug Andres, confirmed his boss’s decision and expressed confidence that all Republican members of both houses of Congress will fall in line. When AllGov correspondent Sidney Finster reminded Andres that Wyoming is already the least populous state in the United States, with a population smaller than Washington D.C., Andres explained the Republican position: “So what? The Dakotas, North and South combined, have a population less than 40 of the other 48 states, yet they have four senators and two members of the House of Representatives. So why shouldn’t Wyoming have four senators and two members of the House of Representatives?”

Democratic Senator Joe Manchin of West Virginia expressed enthusiasm for the idea. “I think it’s completely fair. With this compromise, I can remain important and force the other Democrats to fund pet projects that help West Virginia.”

-David Wallechinsky

(satire)