Republicans Release Presidential Policy Platform

Date: Monday, August 3, 2015 1:10 PM
Category: Allgov Blogs

In a move that caught the media by surprise, the Republican National Committee (RNC) announced that it had gotten the approval of every one of the 17 leading declared Republican presidential candidates to publish a comprehensive platform for the 2016 elections.

 

“The Democrats are always accusing us of not setting forth a positive agenda for America if our candidate wins the White House,” said RNC Chairman Reince Priebus. “This should put an end to that criticism.”

 

Here is the full platform as distributed to the media by the RNC.

 

Terrorism and National Security

It’s a scary world out there and it’s Hillary Clinton’s fault. We need the government to protect us from all sorts of frightening enemies and Hillary can’t do that because she’s secretly on their side.

 

Jobs and the Economy

It’s Hillary’s fault that some Americans are unemployed or underpaid and if she’s elected, it will be even worse.

 

Health Care

It’s Hillary’s fault that people get sick and that medicine and treatment cost so much.

 

Immigration

It’s Hillary’s fault that brown-skinned people come to our country illegally and take all the worst, lowest-paying jobs.

 

Budget Deficit

It’s Hillary’s fault that the government spends more money than it collects in taxes and fees.

 

Moral Values

It’s Hillary’s fault that her husband committed adultery. If she’s elected, lots of people will commit adultery and families will fall apart.

 

AllGov Washington editor Sidney Finster was able to land a brief one-on-one interview with RNC spokesman Douglas Neidermeyer.

 

“I told him I was a bit confused by the Republican platform,” said Finster, “because it didn’t actually mention a single policy proposal. Neidermeyer seemed irritated by my question and treated me like I was politically naïve.

 

“This is an election,” he explained. “Elections aren’t about policy; they’re about personality…and fear. If you want to know about our policies, you’ll have to wait until after the election.”

 

Finster also contacted Hillary Clinton’s campaign. Her media department declined to be interviewed, but one PR specialist did agree to answer a few questions by email with a promise of anonymity.

 

“The Republican platform positions are absurd,” she said, “although we do agree that presidential elections are not about policy, but about personality and fear. Because American voters are much more likely to vote against a candidate rather than for a candidate, we intend to concentrate on being as vague as possible about what Hillary intends to do once she becomes president. It’s a challenge to keep up vagueness for more than a year, but we’re counting on the TV networks to help us.”

 

Finster then asked what will be the major themes of the Hillary Clinton campaign.

 

“Oh, we’ll say a lot of things,” the spokeswoman said, but really our argument to swing voters is a simple one: ‘Do you want a Republican to choose the next couple Supreme Court justices?’ That’s about it.”

 

 

-David Wallechinsky

Latest News

Why Do They Hate Us? A 20-Year Update

In the days following the terrorist attacks of September 11, 2001, many people I spoke with simply could not understand why anyone, anywhere, would not like Americans, even if it was just a few dozen fanatics. In one form or another, they asked: Why do they hate us? Back in 2001, I tried to address this question in a short essay I wrote one month after the attacks.   read more

Biden Announces U.S. Invasion of Grenada

President Joe Biden announced that United States troops were launching an invasion of the Caribbean island nation of Grenada. Considering that Grenada does not have an army, Pentagon officials predicted that complete takeover of the island would go quickly and without U.S. casualties. Democratic members of Congress praised the invasion. “It worked for Reagan,” said one Democratic spokesman who requested anonymity, “so why shouldn’t it work for Biden?”   read more

Revealed: Republican Infiltrators Created “Defund the Police”!

“I paid some black guys to infiltrate the Black Lives Matter movement and start chanting, ‘Defund the Police.’ It worked perfectly. It galvanized frightened whites to get out and vote against pro-crime Democrats. If Trump hadn’t f---up the Covid issue, we would have swept both houses of Congress and kept the White House. But don’t worry. We’ll push the same phrase in the 2022 elections."   read more

Republicans Agree to D.C. Statehood…on One Condition

In a breakthrough announcement, Sen. Mitch McConnell (R-Kentucky) declared that Republicans will accept the District of Colombia as the 51st state on the condition that, at the same time, Congress and President Joe Biden give approval to a 52nd state: West Wyoming.   read more

JPMorgan Chase’s Soccer Super League

Twelve of the richest teams from England, Spain and Italy have announced the formation of a breakaway Super League (without consulting the players, of course). Each team would be guaranteed revenue of at least $250 million. Where would this enormous sum of money come from? From the United States. Specifically from JPMorgan Chase, the largest U.S. bank.   read more
see more...