Republicans Release Presidential Policy Platform

Date: Monday, August 3, 2015 1:10 PM
Category: Allgov Blogs

In a move that caught the media by surprise, the Republican National Committee (RNC) announced that it had gotten the approval of every one of the 17 leading declared Republican presidential candidates to publish a comprehensive platform for the 2016 elections.

 

“The Democrats are always accusing us of not setting forth a positive agenda for America if our candidate wins the White House,” said RNC Chairman Reince Priebus. “This should put an end to that criticism.”

 

Here is the full platform as distributed to the media by the RNC.

 

Terrorism and National Security

It’s a scary world out there and it’s Hillary Clinton’s fault. We need the government to protect us from all sorts of frightening enemies and Hillary can’t do that because she’s secretly on their side.

 

Jobs and the Economy

It’s Hillary’s fault that some Americans are unemployed or underpaid and if she’s elected, it will be even worse.

 

Health Care

It’s Hillary’s fault that people get sick and that medicine and treatment cost so much.

 

Immigration

It’s Hillary’s fault that brown-skinned people come to our country illegally and take all the worst, lowest-paying jobs.

 

Budget Deficit

It’s Hillary’s fault that the government spends more money than it collects in taxes and fees.

 

Moral Values

It’s Hillary’s fault that her husband committed adultery. If she’s elected, lots of people will commit adultery and families will fall apart.

 

AllGov Washington editor Sidney Finster was able to land a brief one-on-one interview with RNC spokesman Douglas Neidermeyer.

 

“I told him I was a bit confused by the Republican platform,” said Finster, “because it didn’t actually mention a single policy proposal. Neidermeyer seemed irritated by my question and treated me like I was politically naïve.

 

“This is an election,” he explained. “Elections aren’t about policy; they’re about personality…and fear. If you want to know about our policies, you’ll have to wait until after the election.”

 

Finster also contacted Hillary Clinton’s campaign. Her media department declined to be interviewed, but one PR specialist did agree to answer a few questions by email with a promise of anonymity.

 

“The Republican platform positions are absurd,” she said, “although we do agree that presidential elections are not about policy, but about personality and fear. Because American voters are much more likely to vote against a candidate rather than for a candidate, we intend to concentrate on being as vague as possible about what Hillary intends to do once she becomes president. It’s a challenge to keep up vagueness for more than a year, but we’re counting on the TV networks to help us.”

 

Finster then asked what will be the major themes of the Hillary Clinton campaign.

 

“Oh, we’ll say a lot of things,” the spokeswoman said, but really our argument to swing voters is a simple one: ‘Do you want a Republican to choose the next couple Supreme Court justices?’ That’s about it.”

 

 

-David Wallechinsky

Latest News

Electoral Advice for the Democratic and Republican Parties

Democrats: If Donald Trump had not been such a weak and hapless candidate, the Democrats would have been wiped out across the board. Republicans: iI the Republicans want to increase their power, they need to make swing voters afraid of the Democrats, while at the same time limiting the number of Democrats who vote and weakening the power of those who do by gerrymandering the districts in the states they control.   read more

Donald Trump Claims Antifa and Black Lives Matter Infiltrated his Brain

Donald Trump ordered his current lawyers to present an unusual defense of the various crimes he is accused of committing: incitement to riot and insurrection, obstruction of justice, financial fraud and lying on his tax returns and more. Trump says that as soon as he became the Republican candidate for president, Antifa and Black Lives Matter infiltrated his brain and caused him to say things he didn’t believe.   read more

Republican Leaders Urge Socially Distancing…From Donald Trump

Many Republican politicians and TV and radio pundits who had previously denied the existence of the Trumpdemic, now admit that it really exists, and that this virus has caused the deaths of thousands of American citizens and others. They are urging their followers to stay as far away as possible from Donald Trump and his family. The politicians are also promoting the wearing of masks in public in order to avoid being recognized.   read more

Trump Orders National Covid Lockdown…But Not for Everyone

Trump announced the immediate imposition of a national lockdown in response to the skyrocketing number of Covid-19 cases, hospitalizations and deaths. However, the lockdown will only apply to certain Americans, based on their income group. American household members with annual incomes of less than $50,000 will be placed on full lockdown. “They can go out to buy food and medicine,” said Trump, “if they can afford it.”   read more

Georgia Senate Candidates Support Ending Health Programs for Active-Duty Soldiers

Republican candidates David Perdue and Kelly Loeffler are focusing on labeling the Democrats as “socialists.” The Republicans pledged to eliminate the Military Health System and the Tricare health system that provide health care for active-duty soldiers and their families, as well as members of the reserves. “This is pure 100% socialism,” The same goes for Medicare, a waste of government funds. The Democrats want Medicare for All; we want Medicare for None.”   read more
see more...